I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
