i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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