I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
