My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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