Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize