he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
