gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
