walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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