a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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