Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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