All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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