i think my tv is drunk
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
