Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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