So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
