This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
