I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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