Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize