it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
