I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
