i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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