My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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