Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
