this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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