best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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