Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
