i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
