You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
