I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
