i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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