weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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