I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
