apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
