Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dignity is for republicans.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
