i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
