saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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