Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm passing your future prison.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
