Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize