i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
