the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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