Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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