I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
