I have demons in me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
