I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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