my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
