I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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