God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
