i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
