I can text with my tongue
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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