i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
