bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
