Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
