On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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