chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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