K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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