Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize