sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
