Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
