I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize