He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
